这周读了一本尴尬的书

最近一个周读了一本书，Dateable.

看了前几章时我对这本书很有好感，只恨没能早遇到它并且读它。可全书看下来之后，本书部分观念的宣传，使我不惮以最坏的恶意来揣度作者，并且不惮以最坏的恶意来揣度更极端的一些观念，比如处女情结。

这本书宣传的理念有：性爱是容易让人分手时更受伤的；一旦你跟别人啪啪啪过，你就不再纯洁如初了、你自身的价值在对方眼中就减少了、你就变旧了不是新的了（书中的二手车比喻）；性爱是尴尬的；性爱是只有婚后才可以做的事。

原本我想了一个特文艺的结尾：你还没有遇上那个给你三颗痣的人。现在我不想用它了。原题目“给你三颗痣的人”，也被我换成了现在的“这周读了一本尴尬的书”。尴尬就尴尬在，这是一本初读时我会跟人推荐、读完后我生怕别人以为我特尊崇作者观点的书。

看前几章时，我一直在结合自己刚结束的一段感情来反思自己。

看完后，我倒是想聊点大男子主义、私有制的产物们、处女情结与女权运动了。

这是很大的主题，我的观点有的偏“左”，有的中性，有的偏“右”。我打算在接下来的几周，写几篇日志来整理一下自己对这些话题的想法。

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这篇日志是篇读书笔记。还没写完。引用部分是照着书打下来的，有断句。

**Chapter 1: it will not last**

There is something we want to do–no, that we have to do. Bust so often we focus our energy and our desire on someone else. A person. A crush. We never get to explore that destiny we were designed for because we’re so busy trying to get someone to like us. I have no doubt that most revolutionary things could have been done earlier if the people called to do them hadn’t been messing around for so long.Don’t let your plans get distracted by the search for love. Dream big dreams and trust the Planner of the universe to bring you your big love.You have a mission. If you  choose to accept it, you will soar with eagles. You will walk and not grow weary. You will run and not faint. That will last! The relationship won’t.

I know, I know. I’m wrong about your relationship. You’re right for each other. You can just feel it. You have so much in common. You like the same movies. You know each other so deeply that you even finish each other’s sentences. You know what the other is thinking . It hurts when you’re apart. Congrats! But that has nothing to do with it. Just because you believe your relationship is different doesn’t mean it is.

Truth: just because you date someone doesn’t mean you will marry them

Truth: Your dating experience will help shape your married life.

You know it won’t last forever, so yeah, you want to enjoy it while you can.

Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be safe. But we invest way too much in trying to make it work out. If we just let go and understand that it’s a short-term thing, then we get the most out of it. We learn about ourselves. We learn about others. We experience a crazy, fun part of life, and we don’t get destroyed during the process. We end up stronger, happier and more successful.

A guy’s forever is more shot-term than a girl’s forever. All this doesn’t mean guys are jerks and girls are great. It just means that we all have different ways of looking at things. The balance of the universe depends on this.

What should a guy say?

so what about the brutal truth? “I’m glad we are dating now because this will make me a better man for my future wife” That’s the truth, but what happens when you say it? Smack! It just doesn’t fly. So guys, tell them honestly how you feel, and don’t exaggerate. Girls build their lives and dreams around these words. But for guys, they are just words that we hope will get the girl to like us.

Don’t confuse the feeling with love. Love doesn’t feel all mushy. Love isn’t sweaty palms and sleepless nights. Love is a decision you make to care for someone no matter how you feel. If they are disfigured in an accident or throwing up for hours on end, you will still love them.

Let’s not bash that. It’s part of what gives you confidence and makes life exciting. But it isn’t love. Have fun knowing you are lovable. Enjoy the acceptance of a non-family member, but remember, it’s not love yet. It’s just a great feeling that you can enjoy for now.

You’re wasting your energy playing house. Read on. This book is for you.

Chapter 2: How much you put into a relationship will determine how much it hurts when it ends.

To feel accepted. To keep the relationship going. To feel connected. To please themselves or the other person. But the further you go, the more it will hurt. Kissing. Touching. Foreplay. Sex. If you push it sexually, it will destroy you emotionally. Sex creates a soul connection. It doesn’t matter if you want it to or not. God created it that way. So the more you give up sexually in a relationship, the more it rips your soul apart. It creates scars that will never go away. Plus, you become a number. He can get sex from any weak and needy girl that’s crushing on him. And girls, in about seven years, he probably won’t even remember your name. Whatever you are doing with your bf, he will be doing with someone else.

Know that if you give a lot physically in the relationship you will feel stupid, used, dirty and alone. There’s nothing you can do to stop those feelings after it has happened. The only way to come out of the relationship feeling proud and strong is to not give in. Don’t compromise. Stay physically fit.

If you give high-dollar gifts to show how much you care, know that in the end it’s just ordinary stuff. You run a major danger of becoming the sugar daddy or the money honey. Paying for big-time fun and gifts may make the relationship last longer, but only because your crush wants to keep the good times rolling.

You give everything physically, emotionally, socially, financially. You give until you have nothing else to give and you call it dating. That is not dating. That is a marriage. What you are practicing is divorce.

When you understand that what you put in determines the pain when it ends, you become powerful. Controlling what you put into a relationship will make you more confident, more secure, and more Date-able.

Chapter 3: The way it begins is the way it will end.

You need to realize that every time you begin a new relationship you are preparing for the way it will end. So ask yourself,“After this relationship, how do I want to be remembered?”

You will be able to see that if after two years you are still just friends but getting closer, your relationship has a chance. But if you are with someone for two weeks and start talking about how much you love them, you will know that it is going to end the same way, fast and hard.

Be mysterious. Be a mystery that guys want to discover.

Be adventurous.Push life to the extreme.

Get involved. You will be so busy that you are hard to get to. You will be the thing that he can’t have, he will be felling it, and you will become the one that got away. He will say, “Man, I just gotta have her.”

Be creative.

Be a carefree spirit. Stop caring about how you look or what others will think and go along for the ride.

Laugh.

Be positive.

Ask questions.

Chapter 4: If I will do it for you, I will do it to you.

If he will cheat for you, he will cheat on you.

Good character and bad character can’t be buds.

Chapter 5: Guys will lie to you to get what they want.

They have learned how to get it: Do the right thing, say the right thing, and you’ll get a reward. It’s a Pavlov’s dog thing. The weird thing is that every girl recognizes the game when it’s being played on other girls. But when she is the object of these worldly arrows, it’s pure romance, not devious deception.

A guy is trying to find the right combination of words and actions that will allow him to advance in the game. A lot of times guys don’t lie, but they do use the truth to their advantage. When they tell you something, they really mean it. But they don’t mean it like that. It’s not just a guy issue–girls are just as involved in the big lie as the guys.

A guy will say, “I love you,” and a girl will attach the world to it. Well, yeah, when the guy says it, he really means it. Seriously. He does. He loves you. And he loves his mom. He loves his car, his dog, and pizza. So when he says he loves you he really does mean it, but not the way you take it.

They can try to give you the romance you see in the movies and make you feel like the star of your own fantasy.

Your job is to take it easy. Don’t read anything into it. Don’t forget, in the end, no matter how sweet he is, he is male first. And that means he has one goal, and that is the physical pay-off. “Oh, not my boyfriend. He’s a good Christian guy.” Yeah, and he si looking for good-Christian-guy sex. See, guys are males first and Christians second.

“Actions speak louder than words.” Well, actions lie more than words.

A guy knows that if he send flowers, writes letters, and gives gifts, he is working on your emotions. And he knows that this will lead to getting physical at some point in the relationship.

Guys use the emotional to get the physical. Girls use the physical to get the emotional.

Rule of replacement: It’s warped but true: You gotta have one  to get one. If you have a girl, you can always get another. You simply become the perfect boyfriend to the one you’ve got, and it won’t be long until you can upgrade to the next.

Chapter 6: Girls will lie to themselves to get what they want

You’re trying to make man into your own image, the image you have in your head or have written in your journal. This is called projecting.

A guy doesn’t want to have sex with you because he loves you so much. He wants to have sex with you because you’re a girl and you’re willing.

“It’s not the Stone Age any more. Girls can ask out guys.” Sure you can. But don’t kid yourself, the guy will get bored with you. Wait on the guy. Let him make the move. Give him the chance to be the man.

Guy Truth: If he doesn’t ask you, it’s ‘cuz he doesn’t lie you or isn’t man enough to ask. Either way, he’s not the guy for you.

When you value yourself, what others say is merely icing, not something to live or die by.

Chapter 7: Keep it covered up.

If you dress like a piece of meat, you’re gonna get thrown on the BBQ.

People will treat you the way you’re wrapped.

Chapter 8: Girls, you control how far you go

It’s sex. It won’t keep him. Sure, the relationship may last a little longer, but that’s because he’s getting it from you.

Be sepcific. Say it with force and confidence. Use your strength, feel your girl power!

Get a symbol.

Chapter 9: Guys, you control how far you go

If you would be embarrassed showing your granny pics of what you’re doing with your gf, don’t do it!

These girls are dangerous because every magazine they read tells them that if they feel ready for sex, then then should do it. They will do anything to feel like a real woman, and they think sex is okay because they feel like they’re ready.

Chapter 11: Boys will be boys.

Adventure. Just let yourself be impressed. Ask questions. Be blown away. Stay away from the “that’s no big deal” trap.

Chapter 13 to Chapter the end

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.

Pick and choose what you say. Give the guy something to hunt for. A challenge. Make yourself an adventure for him to seek. And keep the phone convos short.

Don’t accept excuses if he never plans anything, either. It’s not an age thing, a money thing, or a time thing. If he isn’t willing to plan something for you, he isn’t really interested in you.

Girls are messing things up because gender-confused guys have forced girls into becoming the men. Guys have let the girls take control while they just sit back like a fat man after a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. That’s not the way it was designed.

The same amount of pressure is still there, we just don’t have to deal with it. No wonder guys are so okay with it.

If you’re too scared to ask her, then you’re not man enough to go out with her.

A girl should always be better off because she has been with you. You have a responsibility to take care of the girl–spiritually, emotionally, and physically When the relationship ends, your gf should be better off than when it started. She should be stronger spiritually because of your commitment to God. She should be stronger emotionally because you were sensitive to her dreams and passions. And she should be better off physically because you honored her body and didn’t try to take it. Guys, we need to ask ourselves before we do anything, “Will she be better off for this?”

Sex is a marriage game.

You show amazing grace and beauty when you won’t sell out your body for love. You become a woman of mystery when you don’t allow your emotions to lie to you about something you don’t have. The power of a woman is in her ability to manage her emotions and not let her emotions control her.

Dateable–having an internal sense of confidence, control, and sexuality that inadvertently attracts members of the opposite sex, resulting in positive effects before, during, and after the relationship.